Clarity on Clarity

i’m a researcher.

i’m a master at internet search engines, i have my own personal library, and i enjoy reading article after article.

(this is pretty much inevitable for someone who got her first degree in the social sciences, and is currently working on a law degree. researching = my bff.) 

it’s helpful, mostly. i want to make informed decisions, and i’m always pondering one question or another.

but some times? too much information can be a bad thing.

i know all the “right” answers. and it’s easy to file away those answers in my brain, and save them for the day when i need to refer back to them in order to make a decision.

all too often, however, i file away that knowledge only to later find myself paralyzed with indecision. and i realize then that i never really understood the answer at all – i just accepted it and moved on.

clarity in dating relationships is one of those areas, and i just realized that today. i have always known that clarity and communication is crucial to a healthy relationship (well, duh. this seems obvious.)

until i found myself in a situation where things weren’t clear to me, and i’ve thought things through so much that my mind is muddled. i’ve managed to confuse myself.

let me tell you that i’m the kind of girl who just wants things to be honest and straightforward. otherwise, i just end up  hyperventilating.

i’ve had my fair share of relationships where we just played head games with each other. i’m so over that and the headaches that gives me. but i’m also not convinced that my confusion is a sign that someone is messing with me (and my poor, little, anxious heart).

instead of reacting on impulse, i force myself to question my natural response and my concerns. i have to remain objective while still maintaining my subjective understanding of the situation. which sounds difficult, but this happens all the time in legal tests so i feel like it is possible.

  • am i reading too much into words and/or actions?
  • am i projecting my feelings and/or fears where they don’t belong?
  • what am i really worried about?
  • objectively, what do his words or actions indicate?
  • objectively, what do my emotions and concerns indicate?
  • if the two of us were to have a conversation about this, what would i say?

then i consider what my answers to these questions tell me.

you know what i know about myself? i have a tendency to jump the gun. i rush. i try my very hardest to control every little thing.

and this isn’t to say i should be completely passive – one of the last questions i asked myself right now was whether it was an appropriate time to broach the subject of defining the relationship.

which, incidentally, tells me a lot: communication is one of the problems here. i’m itching to communicate and understand and relate. i’m also at a point where i’m starting to feel in over my head – which is likely why i feel the need for clarity. and underneath all of that is my desperate desire to maintain control.

with respect to my worrying and anxiety – that’s a different issue altogether. that’s a symptom of my failure to handle these concerns well. i’ve been bottling up my emotions, trying desperately to “just let it go”, and instead of actually letting it go i’ve been ignoring it. no prayer, no giving it up to God, no peace.

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