something no one ever told me

sometimes, dreams change.

it seems like we spend our entire lives dreaming big and dreaming impossible, and the sky isn’t even the limit anymore.

i think that’s true. i don’t think that’s a bad thing.

i grew up in a home where independence was encouraged, and intelligence was idolized.

i can’t tell you how many times i was told that i am smart. (nb: this never guarantees your child will believe it.)

i was told i could do ANYTHING. for a while, that meant politics (first elected female Prime Minister to be precise). later on that meant law school. apparently that didn’t change.

until one day, i realized it did change.

i was not told i was kind. instead, i was cold (frigid) and too prickly to get close to.

which is fine. for a lawyer.

so i shuffled along, chasing this dream. my dream? it made sense. there were times when it was scary, but it made sense.

but in the back of my mind, i wrestled with myself. i have to wonder though, was that me wrestling with my own, or am i just another jacob wrestling with God?

i have tried to wrap my head around the logistics of my future, and settled on leaving it up in the air and up to God, and just letting things be wherever they may land.

i can’t tell you the depths of courage it took for me to breathe these secret, treacherous desires out into the world for a trusting friend to hear.

i do not want this. not anymore. 

make no mistake – i believe i am precisely where God wills me to be. i have followed as He has led. and i do not understand.

i am here. but i do not wish to stay here forever.

i love what i am doing, but my heart is pulled in another direction.

my impossible dream doesn’t include politics. and it doesn’t include practicing law. i value my education, but to me, impossible is the sound of small children laughing (and even crying), and a home and a husband and a place for me to BE. and grow. and change. and struggle. it is not in an office, it is not postponing children for the sake of my career, it is not in a university lecture, and it is not in a courtroom. these things? they are difficult, yet they are easily possible.

i want my impossible dream. the courage to walk away from the expectations others hold me to, and the strength to move on past their disappointment.

that’s what i call my God-sized dream.

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