fear to make your heart POUND

if law school has taught me one thing so far, it’s that i’m terribly afraid. i’m not exaggerating – it’s at the point where it’s basically crippling.

it’s funny (as in bizarre) how hard it is to let words roll off you. i started law school being told by a member of the school’s alumni that if they were me, they wouldn’t go. because i wouldn’t be able to compete and i’d fail.

i thought i brushed it off, only to hear those words buzzing in my ears when i get cold-called in class while i’m still flipping the pages over to the case and can’t answer the question because i still don’t know where we are.

it’s in the moment when i completely blank during an audition to the point where i still don’t understand what happened.

i thought – for the longest time – that if i could just get accepted, i’d be okay. that i could make it. i prayed that over and over and you know what?

the joke’s on me.

you never get to the point where it’s easy. it’s always going to be hard. there’s always a struggle, one way or another.

and this fear has become so real, it’s like my own Eeyore-esque cloud hanging over my head (/heart).

i am so ashamed and afraid of failing, feeling like i must be MORE like i have to do better that it’s tempting to just give up.

i said that to a friend who was shocked i’d admit that. she asked me if i still felt the way i did before, if i still wanted this life at all.

and i knew right away that i do want that still.

i’ve never been so sure, so passionate about something. it took me a long time to figure out what a divine calling might feel like, but this must be it.

because i can see this huge whole, this piece missing. and each day goes by convinces me more and more that i must be there to fill it. that i’ve been blessed and there just aren’t many people who see it the way i do.

and i know that deep down, somewhere in all of this mess there is God and i’m just waiting to see.

until then, i mutter prayers under my breath at all hours and keep my eyes on the Word.

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