i had a dear, dear friend (and cousin) mention to me how much she’s seen me grow and change in the past year or so.
this past year has been big. i have been stretched further than i ever imagined possible only to shrink smaller than ever before. it’s incredible how that changes your attitude, your heart, your mind, & your soul.
21 seems to be the age where you’re considered an adult anywhere – it seems fairly adult-like. and i just celebrated my 22nd birthday. (which is young, don’t get me wrong, but it’s also old and now i need to take a few things seriously but not too seriously. you know? there’s something about being past 21 and being in law school that means people expect certain things from you, like responsibility and whatnot.)
i feel stirrings like never before and a desire that was previously only flickering – a barely lit candle fading fast.
today i just want to share some of the things that have touched me to the core in the past year (and a half. ish.) ~
- i have learned that it is difficult to be quiet at times, but terribly necessary. sometimes i am so filled with words to say that i forget there is blessings in the quiet as well – which Emily Freeman so wonderfully shares in her 31 Days to Hush Series.
- i have finally (!) learned that grace is not weakness but it is God’s strength – and that is so much better. i’m not sure if i have even begun to scratch the surface of what grace means because it just feels so BIG and unfathomable. can we ever really know? but i’m seeing it piece by piece. it matters more each new day.
- and speaking of grace – i have witnessed how deep and wide God’s grace dives for me, through murky waters, in a reminder that i have made mistakes but i am not damaged goods. i am redeemed. (thank you thank you thank you – and a thousand times again, THANK YOU, Sarah Bessey, for sharing your heart.) because Love (grace, God’s grace) covers a multitude of sins…
- and even the political science nerd with a passion for politics can get sick & tired of them – and that’s okay, but it doesn’t mean i give up hope yet.
- my heart is hot and it’s only getting hotter – if i could only begin to give enough that i might heal some of the wounds of this world… but these are things that really, truly MATTER. my idea of Christianity has changed so much, because it’s no wonder the world doesn’t like us – what is there to like? we need to reach out love and act and do things and stop talking so much. (see point number 1 about hushing.)
- what true community is – that community will hurt at times, and that’s okay – because it isn’t even about ME in the end. i have been so selfish when it comes to this, but i have learned so much more from fixing my attention towards others rather than myself.
i can’t remember if anyone ever told me how MESSY growing up is. that life is hard and it hardens you up, and struggles beat you down into submission until you finally crack. but underneath that rough exterior is fresh, new skin waiting to be reborn and it leaves you softer than ever. fragility is a blessing and feeling is a gift and so much has changed, both good and bad, but i wouldn’t have it any other way.
because at the end of the day, if i can say this in a very small voice, i like who i am. i like who God has made me, and the good days make the bad ones worthwhile.