it’s funny but a few days ago i was just thinking about how i used to cry a lot. a year ago i thought i was doing well because i only cried about once a month. (PMS, anyone?)
i was reflecting on the past year. all of its changes. all of them good. someone had mentioned to me that they had noticed how much i had changed in this past year. (praise the Lord for that.)
i realized that i never really cry now, because i just haven’t been heartbroken. i have been healed and made new, and i have been insecure and i have asked questions, but i have not felt shattered and broken. i have felt WHOLE. (God is so good, isn’t He?)
it’s funny because, silly me, i spoke far too soon. it’s funny that just days ago i was reflecting on this and now for 3 (going on 4) days i have done very little else but cry.
i feel the tears well up and i am heartbroken again but most of all i am angry, and remember that i mentioned earlier that when i am angry it’s because i’m afraid? i have never been more afraid in my life.
it’s the kind of bad news that hits you in a doctor’s office (the smell of which makes me nauseous) and i feel so silly because i know it is so small compared to others.
it’s the kind of heartbreak that comes with the confession that i would rather be dead than be blind, because right now i can’t possibly imagine what sort of life there might be for me if i can’t see.
it’ the kind of shame that comes with doubt because i tell God that i am angry, and haven’t i lost enough already? what is there left for a girl to love when she can’t see and experience the very things she loves so much?
how on EARTH does a woman be a lawyer if she doesn’t have the eyes to see the words on paper that she NEEDS TO KNOW so she can argue in court to help another person put their life back together?
i have read 140 books this year. i have read my Bible every day for months (the first time in my life). and now i am told that the surgery didn’t work and the medication isn’t helping, so i have to do it all over again in hopes that it might work this time, but if nothing works then i will lose my sight and i will never see words on a page.
goodbye 5 am sunrises.
and i am selfish, because that surgery hurts and the medication stings and did i mention that NONE OF IT IS WORKING.
i know that there are others hurting more than this, but my pain is raw and it is real.
i am ashamed of how much i have thought of myself these past few days.
in John 9, Jesus heals a blind man. interesting how many blind men Christ healed, isn’t it?
i am still afraid. i am still hurt.
but i pray, Lord may i pray every hour of every day, that You will heal me of my spiritual blindness. that i may SEE through all of this.