may God give me…

blessed am i among women.

i am blessed beyond all measure – but has that ever stopped me from wanting more? from wanting what i do not have?

i used to some times wonder if there was something wrong with me, something desperately broken inside of me. (two parents diagnosed with bipolar disorder will do that to you.)

i have always felt things so intensely, and as i got older and it never quite went away my fear only grew. i finally had to ask if there was something wrong with me.

praise God for two people in my life who at that point recognized my fear and drew me closer and reassured me that i was fine. i had convinced myself that feeling anything at all was a symptom of sickness, that i had to be numb to be strong, that i had to be at ease to be normal.

my heart beats and with every pound i feel blood flooding my veins and i ache and i break inside- and if you’re anything at all like me, you’ll relate and know exactly what i mean.

i am torn up for people hurting, i am longing to do something more my past, and i have pushed that aside for so long because i was sure it wasn’t right. these two lovely people then told me when passion means, and that there’s nothing to be ashamed of if i just seem to feel things more intensely than those around me (or at least, than they let on).

i am convinced that God has touched my heart lately, as my Father lays a burden on my chest and i wait for answers to my prayers as to what it means.

lead me, Lord. may my feet only pursue you.

but if i am being completely honest, my heart is longing.

i long for lives to pour myself into. to literally empty myself until i am devoid of my me-ness, and i have filled up those around me.

prayers that they are not lonely, that they are not falling apart without You, that i would be sensitive to their needs, that my God would bless me and that i would be so fortunate as to have my own to care for, to nurture.

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