a bitter heart

you know those deep, dark little secrets you hide away buried deep within your heart?
you can admit it. i have them, too.

they’re a burden we force ourselves to carry, all alone. ashamed & lonely, if you are like this then know that i am too. but i’ll tell you mine.

because this, friends, is a lie and i need to confront it and call it exactly what it is.

at an age just shy of 22, i am by no means ancient or past my prime. please, do not try to share perspective with me by assuring me there are plenty of women older than me in the same position. i believe you mean well, and i know that i’m not alone in this. but i don’t want my confusion or pain to be shoved aside with a quick reply to solve all my problems.

(and for what it’s worth, neither does telling me i’m still a “baby” sit right with me. i’m younger than you, yes, but what difference does 3 or 4 years make right now?)

i should preface this with the reassurance that most days, i am fine. honest. it is becoming more and more rare these days that i am restless and utterly impatient. but i have my days weeks moments.

i believe God desires for me to be married… some day. why? i believe the desire to be married can be a godly one (Genesis 2:18), like many others i long for that sort of companionship and to learn now what it means for me to be a helper and to life another up in love, and i have a strong, strong conviction to adopt. i believe God is good and faithful and that He cares for me at all times.

but doubt, such a faithless friend, sets in again.

i see many others who share this godly desire and are waiting upon the Lord to answer their prayers… and they wait. for years. i would be lying if i said that my heart doesn’t wince at the thought.

oh, that You would give me a patient heart overflowing with joy.

and though i desire to be a wife who can encourage and love her husband, i sometimes wonder if i even have anything to offer. God transforms, yes, and i am shattered at the knowledge of the ways He has changed me. but i am petrified that there is nothing left of me to give to someone. and for all i believe godly men are out there, i can’t fathom that any could see me as anything but settling.

how is it that i so often fail to see how my fears are an exact portrait of Your unconditional love for us? that the Almight God would claim Israel as His people, long after they had wandered so far and returned scarred, empty, with no guarantee of permanent change.

this is the heart of it; my dirty little secret. that i forever feel like i am nowhere near good enough to deserve any of it –

have i even heard of the word grace? have i begun to understand what it means for my life?

i regularly picture love as something i deserve or earn –

but nothing could be further from the Truth.

i’m petrified that i have wandered too far, and that it’s already too late for me.

and then i read Hosea.

my heart breaks. but now when it is breaking, i don’t let it stiffen and harden into bitter remnants. i carry it to my Saviour’s cross and bring myself before my Father.

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