you know those moments when it all just HITS you? i mean, everything just hits you right smack in the face. like a basketball.
a realization you never quite thought all the way through. you never quite realized the implications of what it meant for you & for your life.
there are times when i feel whole, but there are far too many other moments when it hits me just how broken and empty i can be.
sitting in a room of 200 people and wondering if any of them are like you, if they can relate to you, or if you’re the only one there. it’s terrifying.
i hate it. i hate shaking someone’s hand and my eyes are looking anywhere but their own, and my heart is desperate for a way out because my lips don’t know what to say and my mind is racing too far head.
i’m not sure when it happened, but some time between 14 and 19 i stopped letting people touch me. somewhere in between those years, i lost the desire for physical touch. i remember how comforting it was to have someone i love hold me when i was younger – but where did it go? my heart breaks because i beg for friends and family not to reach out, and i don’t know why.
where did that confidence and self assurance go? i’ve lost it.
and that isn’t entirely bad either. in some ways it is good to be humbled and learn that there is more to life than my own pride and my own wants and just me, in general.
but not at this cost. not to feel this lonely and with no one to blame but yourself.